This well-attended discussion examined communication styles, with particular attention to gender-biased perceptions.
Dr. Hughes began the dialogue with the statement, "Most of us, in conversation, think that what we're doing is saying what we mean." She challenged participants to observe their conversations in view of its setting, whether its content is public or private, and to whom they are speaking-acknowledging differences of age, race, gender, socioeconomic status, geography, religion, generation, and so forth. For instance, sharing personal information in a private setting is generally regarded as a private conversation, where discretion is expected. Sharing the same information in a public setting (e.g. at work), though can be perceived by some to change the information from personal to public, available to be retold with far less discretion. Some persons acknowledge these standards while others do not. One can imagine the hurt feelings and damaged relationships that result.
Some of the differences in communication styles between men and women reflect general differences in their world views. For men, conversations are negotiations and reflect who is in charge, who is right, and who knows the answers. For women, conversations are opportunities to be close, to connect with others, to create a network, and to maintain relationships.
Conversation rituals, as Dr. Hughes termed them, follow a pre-set sequence that is self-evident and appropriate to those involved. On the one hand, men's conversation rituals often involve taking a competitive stance for superior "positioning" (i.e., one-up or dominant). Women's conversation rituals, on the other hand, help others feel comfortable and often involve the speaker adopting a "one-down" position to pursue equality among those conversing. For example, in an ambiguous situation, or when there is a question on the table, men will often provide a direct answer or opinion. Women, in contrast, consider the same ambiguity cause for asking further questions and gathering more information en route to developing a response that is equitable, fair, or balanced.
One ritual of conversation discussed was the phrase "I'm sorry". For women this often expresses care for another or restores balance in a conversation. Men view the phrase as accepting responsibility for a regrettable event or action. A participant inquired about men in professions where feminine is the dominant style. Are men in these environments perceived as weak or blame-worthy when they utter, "I'm sorry"?
Another aspect of conversation rituals is hearing what is expected. When a speaker enters a conversation ritual, a ritual response is expected. If a different response is delivered, the speaker is like the person left high in the air when her partner leaves the see-saw. The plop to the ground creates pain, anger and confusion.
The discussion then contrasted gender differences based on culture versus those based on biological factors. Cross-cultural research done ten years ago suggests that cultures can be characterized as more or less masculine or feminine. Language, for example, often reflects one or the other of these styles.
Responding to a question regarding the ethics of gender communication, Jim Childs noted the while the most commonly referenced leadership characteristics are more masculine (i.e., risk-taking, decisiveness, assertiveness), many ethical issues are rooted in respect for persons and responsible action, two values considered more feminine. Research has shown that the most effective managers balance both styles of communication. One participant noted that the more secure a business leader feels in his or her position, the more prone he/she is to adopt and demonstrate a feminine communication style. The comment was considered significant in light of increasing rates of downsizings among corporations.
SUGGESTED READING
Tannen, Deborah. Talking from 9 to 5: How Women's and Men's Conversational Styles Affect Who Gets Heard, Who Gets Credit, and What Gets Done at Work. New York: William Morrow & Co., 1994.
Tingley, Judith C. Genderflex: Men & Women Speaking Each Other's Language at Work. New York, AMACOM (American Management Association), 1993.
CINErgy Media Communication